Toni wrote...

Toni wrote...

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"Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.”

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  • Nina Childs

Smells like functional depression...

It's late spring. The flowers are blooming and I'm just here watching Kurt Cobain documentaries grappling with what I've come to accept as my functional depression. I don't think the outside world is aware because I present well. Well dressed, nails done, grill in, 14k gold door knockers, and a pink wig usually. The outside world would never know because technically, when I'm at an event, or out of town or working on set or anywhere outside I'm fine. I'm happy, fully present and alive. It's when I'm at home that I unravel. Most days I'm fighting the urge to not just lay in bed all day. Life as of late has just been completely overwhelming. Finding the strength to get out of bed when I don't have anything to do gets harder and harder as the days go by. I started by telling myself it was the pandemic, then it was homeschooling, then it was my kid's custody schedule or lack there of, my dumb ass child of an ex husband, the haters, the niggas in my life that don't know how to love me, lack of exercise...the list goes on. And while all of these things can definitely add to life's pressures I am in a place where I'm just trying to outgrow the need to blame others or other things for my "current emotional state" as they say on instagram. The weed helps...sometimes.



I started working out which has been great but I'm still not choosing happiness for some strange reason. I have moments of happy, undoubtedly connected to getting a text from my crush, or finding some cash on the floor at the gas station, or getting away for a few hours, a new outfit, getting that amazon package...the plastic shit. It's all so dreadfully unfulfilling. If happiness is a choice why am I not choosing it? Why am I allowing myself to be overcome by all the things that aren't going right? The things I can't change.Why am I looking outward for joy? So many questions...


So, here I am. Somewhere between, "Bro, get a therapist and I think i might be okay once the kids go back to school". Hot off the heels of a fire screening of my newest project, STARE, I've found yet something else external to distract me and find joy in. I am actually feeling very satisfied as I write this. I am a writer but I always forget how cathartic writing can actually be. But enough about me, how are you? Are you vaccinated and happy to be back outside? Are you too suffering from some form of depression? Chances are you could be. Depression doesn't always look like not being able to get out of bed, or drug addiction or being suicidal. Sometimes it looks like sleeping with different partners every night, or day drinking...everyday, or binge watching Netflix and ignoring responsibilities for days on end. Over eating, being obsessed with people and or a relationship. All the coping mechanisms and escape tactics we use to distract us from dealing with our feelings of dis-ease and unhappiness. I have to be the first to admit though that much like Sway...I don't have the answers and I'm still figuring my shit out myself. But I feel like recognizing it is a good thing and I feel grateful that I still have things in my life that make life worth living and get me up in the morning.I feel like for those of you out there reading this that suffer from bouts of depression in any form, as long as you can find the strength to seek help when and if it gets there and keep putting 1 foot in front of the other then you can keep inching closer to having those genuine smiles. The ones where they actually meet the eyes. As my mom always says...a real smile meets the eyes.

Here's to having a smile that always meets your eyes.

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