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Toni wrote...

Toni wrote...

mother toni.jpg

"Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.”

  • Writer's pictureNina Childs

Pursuit of happiness...or how to get out of your own way.

Crush a bit,little bit. Roll it up, take a hit. Feeling lit, feeling right. 2 am, summer night, I don't care hand on the wheel. Driving drunk I'm doing my thing. People told me slow my roll. I'm screaming out, FUCK THAT. I'ma just do what I want. Looking ahead no turning back. If I fall, If I die know I lived it to the fullest. If I fall, if I die know I lived and missed some bullets. Shoutout to Kid Cudi, he gets it. I feel like the last time I was here (blogging) I was talking about my functional depression. Now I'm back to talk about how that has devolved to me just being in the weirdest space i've ever been in in my life. Fresh off the completion of thee most difficult,soul baring and risky project that I have ever done, I've found myself in a space where i'm just upside down. Financially,emotionally,psychologically...I'm just upside down. I find myself praying for a win on a daily. I find myself making bad decisions more now than ever. I find myself trying to make friends with empty people who are depressed. I find myself dealing with men that are toxic. Walking into arenas full of red flags with rose colored glasses on...cause my thing is how red can the flag get?Staying out till the next day. Staying dangerous but still being creative. Still doing the work.Sitting on some really dope shit and just needing someone who's someone to see it and see me. I realize I blog 3 times a year, usually as a cathartic exercise when I'm feeling lost. This is my 2nd blog of 2021. 2 redbulls and a string cheese, my personal breakfast of champions as of late. The toxicity hits different when you're unaware of it's expiration date.

I'm trying to figure my shit out. Is it boredom, depression? A feeling that time is slipping away and the walls are closing in on me. Looking for a man to give my love to, looking for a distraction. Choosing thee most toxic man in the room every time. I thank God the toxic men aren't choosing me back as of late. Rejection is definitely feeling like God's protection lately. All while feeling like a slave to the necessary evil that is social media. In an effort to shake off the anxiety,functional depression and toxic life choices I sat down....nope, not with a therapist, but with my macbook and I wrote a business plan and this blog. I feel like the only way out is up. I feel like I'm not gonna be genuinely happy till I make it but what is making it? I already am doing what I love. I guess I'm just feeling that satisfaction will forever be at bay till the world knows my name. God, I need a win.

I am tired of playing the blame game. Yeah, if you know me you know I'm also a single mother to 2 autistic boys and it's hard. I can't and wont blame my issues on them. They're actually the reason why I have anything in life that I'm proud of. They push me to get up and go after this shit every single day. I'm doing my very best and doing it while not always feeling or being adequately supported. I'm trying to be seen in an incredibly competitive industry with the deck stacked against me in so many ways and it's just not easy. it's not only not easy, all these things can be completely overwhelming on their own and right now it's just a weird time. Weird but darkly wonderful. I guess I'm coming to terms with the fact that it's ok to be sad. It's ok to be lost. It's ok to not be ok. I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold, hey I'll be fine once I get it, yeah, I'll be good.

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